the condom got lost in my hair
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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