my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
