I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
