Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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