my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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