I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
