If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
