I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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