Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
