Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
