1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Randomize
