Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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