I feel great
I just peed on a car
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
