i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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