Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
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Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
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I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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