you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
organizing the empties. That sober.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
