i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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