Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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