This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
