I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
