hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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