Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
false alarm. still invincible.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
