U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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