You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
its not stalking. its research.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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