My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
