Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize