i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
