I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
