Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
