oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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