I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
