Your dad touched me again.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
