if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
