Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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