Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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