Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
