I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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