I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
