....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
