there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
