Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
you had me at cake vodka
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
