i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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