a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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