Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
