For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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