tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
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Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
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"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
How naked do you want me to be?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize