even my farts smell like vagina
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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