So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
