the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
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So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
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Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room