The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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