My hand turned me down
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
This house was built for laser tag.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
