I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
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Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
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yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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