I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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