Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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