Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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