Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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