If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
