I wanna passion pit in your ass
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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