puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
