She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
