MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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